Banishing The "Gay" Elephant
From The Living Room
15 years ago, at the age of
48, I left my wife of 20 years, and our 14-yr-old son, and I
joined the gay community. This was a short move from Sugarland
to The Montrose. It was HeartBreaking .. And it was Liberating.
My mother (now 86), to this day, has not said the "G" word. She
comes from a staunch Methodist family that does not talk about
certain subjects. Until recently, I respected mother's silence.
We've just ignored the Gay Elephant in the living room all these
years, pretending that it was not there, and just walking around
it. Over the years, mother has often stayed with me and my
partner of 15 years, in our home, and has traveled with us, and
has spent holidays with us. She loves my partner, and her gifts
to him on his birthday and at Christmas are equal to her gifts
to me. All this implied to us, without verbalizing, that mother
was in our corner. Then came Proposition 2.
Near the end of October, I called mother to make sure she was
going to vote ~ She was. I asked if she had heard of Proposition
2 ~ She had. I cautioned her that this could get tricky and that
she should be sure and vote AGAINST
Prop-2 ~ Loooong pause ~ Then she said, "I can't promise that".
~ I was STUNNED !
I tried to engage mother in a discussion of Prop-2 but could
not. I was feeling a mixture of hurt and anger, and I could feel
myself gearing up to "attack mode", which I have found to be
very counter-productive. I decided to end the conversation by
saying, "Mother, try to imagine how hurt I feel, knowing that my
family is voting against me". She said, "Well......I can't
imagine". (end of conversation)
I went from feeling hurt and angry to hurt/angry/pouting. A few
days later she called me, trying to rebuild the interpersonal
bridge, and I brushed her off and curtly ended the conversation.
I knew I had to do something. I googled-up PFLAG Houston, and in
a few days I went to my first meeting.
At PFLAG I landed on the idea of sending mother some INFORMATION
~ daily in the mail for 14 days. This was in preparation for
picking her up to come stay a few days with us for Thanksgiving.
Also joining us for Thanksgiving would be my 30-yr-old gay son
who is the apple of his grandmother's eye. At PFLAG I also heard
about a new local DVD that explains the biological determination
of sexual orientation. I managed to get my hands on a copy.
The daily mailing campaign was kept pretty short and sweet.
Mostly 1 or 2 pages of articles and info on the gay condition ~
some of it humorous ~ some of it evoking emotion. I included a
note in one mailing that simply said, "all this, mother, is
intended to build a platform of information, from which we can
have discussions. I hope you are reading it".
Mother is an AlAnon, for over 30 years now. When I picked her up
in Brenham, 2 days before Thanksgiving, I knew I had a captive
audience for the drive back to Houston. I started by saying that
some of the information I had sent her in the mail was from a
PFLAG meeting that I'd gone to, and I explained that PFLAG was a
lot like AlAnon, in that it is a place to go to learn about the
gay condition and to learn about how to deal with having gay
children and grandchildren. Just like AlAnon was a place to
learn about alcoholism and how to deal with having an alcoholic
in the family. Mother could relate to this. I told her that I
had found a DVD that addresses the subject of how people get to
be gay and that I planned to show it before Thanksgiving when my
son and my partner and mother and I were all together.
She was agreeable to this, and I could tell that she was already
warmed-up somewhat by the mailing campaign.
The day before Thanksgiving, after dinner, as planned, the 4 of
us settled into the den, and I mashed the "play" button. Mother
usually falls asleep in front of the TV at our house, but this
evening she managed to stay awake for this somewhat long
presentation. Towards the end, in the questions&answers, we'd
all had enough.
I thought it would be useful, given mother's age, to review some
high points in a summary way in order to reinforce the learning.
I reviewed the idea that the gay condition is not about choice
and that there is research pointing to a hormone effect on the
fetus in the first 16 weeks of the pregnancy. Mother had
understood that. She had already picked up in some of the
reading that it is not about "choice", and I had already told
her that I knew I was gay when I was 6 years old.
I reviewed the Swedish research from the DVD (we're Swedish,
too) which concluded that progress for gay equality will move
forward when there are 3 elements present: (1) Laws to protect
gays, (2) Gays come Out and become visible to their neighbors
and families and coworkers, and (3) the public understands that
being Gay is not about choice.
These were the main ideas that I wanted mother to take away from
this DVD, and I think that she did.
Mother was SHOCKED at the part about arbitrarily surgically
reassigning gender to newborns in the past who were born with
ambiguous genitalia.
At the end of this video, while we were all together, and to
support the "not a choice" point, I asked my son if he would
tell us how old he was when he first knew that he was different
from other boys. He quickly responded that he was about 8 years
old. His disclosure and mine, along with the reading material
and the video settled the "choice" issue for my mother.
We still have a way to go with mother, but this was a good
beginning. When I took her home and was walking to my car to
leave, mother said, "Whatever happens, I want you to always
remember that I will always love you". The brief exchange that
followed implied that she would love me in spite of everything.
I would prefer to have her love me because of my uniqueness and
my gayness, not in spite of it. We'll be working on that, going
forward. At least, the elephant has left the building.
BIG SURPRISE ~ to find that after 15 years of knowing her son
was gay, my mother (who reads a lot) had not done any research
to learn more about the subject and was not aware that there are
numerous books on the subject at bookstores and libraries. She
now has 4 books on the subject, thanks to me.
LESSON LEARNED ~ Don't ever, ever.... A~S~S~U~M~E
"EDWIN PETERSON" - November, 2005
Update: January
2006
My cousin in Napa,
California (I sent the DVD to her) is all ENTHUSED about it and
is passing it around among her children.
She belongs to a Methodist church that is a "Reconciling
Congregation". She inquired about the possibility of getting
some more copies. I pointed her to the PFLAGHouston.org
website. I hope that will generate some sales.
It seems like there oughta be a LOT of groups around the country
that would be interested in this DVD if they knew it existed.
I was just on the phone with "Mother". I am continuing to send
her reading material, several per week, and I follow-up by
phone, to make sure she's reading them. So, the dialogue
continues, and the DVD was a B*I*G help in shaping the direction
of the dialogue.
Regards,
E.G.(Bud)Peterson
January 28, 2006
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